I never really update this page as you can see. But how about I feel so wonderful I have to place it everywhere. I'm in love with a man that's nearly twice my age. Yeah... it sounds bad... but it is truth.

Hey all. It's been a long time since I've been on here. But then again there isn't really much going on with my life. The new semester has started and it really is a bunch of work. I guess I never realized how much work it was...probably because I'm trying to graduate now.  It's a little frustrating but I'm doing what I have to do to get by.

On another note I startd a new job about half an hour away from my school. It's not the best job in the world and I don't make that much money...but it gets the bills paid and it's not stressful. Not to mention the fact that I can do all of my homework while I'm at shcool so I never really complain. Of course there are also a few guys that work with me that are just gorgeous. It's really funny because the first one asked me out...like seriously asked me out on a date...then he never called and straight stood me up. However, the other one(the one that I was really interested in ), he won't ask me out and won't give me the time of day. You would think that I was tryna beat him over his head or something.  I mean...not that I should be looking for a man anyways...but I'm tired of being single. And for some reason I'm just not getting any play. Then...out of nowhere...he comes to work yesterday and he's like...I have somethign for you. So I'm wondering what it is and all...and I'm getting off of work and he says he'll give it to me then. So he comes out and he gives me this cd. Now...we've just finished talking about the Justin Timberlake so I figure he's talking about that. WORNG! He's like last night I heard this song and it reminded me of you...just listen to the cd...it's #4. So I get in my car and start listening to the song and it's #4 from Danity Kane. Now for those unfamiliar with their cd (I was too!) the song talks about how much the singer wants this guy...but there is something stopping her from acting out these feelings. I mean the song goes on and on about how she feels thinking about him and how she'd"'take'' him if she could...I mean the song is actually very nice.

Brief snippet:

You make me wanna do, something I never do (never do)
Wanna go there with you (with you)
All the way there (there), touch me there (there), take me there with you (there with you)
Boy I’m scared of you
Nothing compares to you
I’m not prepared to do it

So I can love you (right now)
Like I want to (right now)
He just can’t do it
And it’s taking everything in me
I want to (right now)
No I want to (right now)
It’s this one rule
(And it’s keeping me from giving you my love)

So as you can expect now...I'm all confused!  I mean dude...what's stopping you. I know that he recently got out of a realtionship...and he wanted her back...but then why tell me to listen to the song. Or maybe he doesn't think the idea of working with someone he's talking to is a good idea. I'm not sure what the reason is. But I know I'm all shook up in the brain now. And what's funny about it...is that my boss had actually told me he was interested also. So it's really weird. I'm not sure where to go from here! And then to make it even worse...I have another ticket to the Roots (they're coming to my school) and I was going to ask him to go but now I'm not sure. Any suggestions?

Needless to say...I'm keepign everything on the low right now. I just bought a ticket to go to Jamaica over winter break and I can't wait. I miss home!  Can't wait for the real food and the island breeze. Anywho...I guess that's it. I'll try and stop by soon. Oh and did I mention it's getting cold up here in Philly. But the weather has been really spuratic. One moment it's cold outside...the next it's all warm. Go figure!

Okay....so things do seem to change after a while. But what I realized is that it is dependant on your ability to change your mind frame and the desires you have for your own life. With that said...I am actually a little bit happier with things right now.

Yes...I have gained alot of weight and my fafce is breaking out ridiculously. But the stress factor is gone and I have been smiling alot more lately. You see I have been trying my hardest to restructure my life around God and allowing his will to be done. And as I expected things are getting better. If you don't know you better recognize..the power of . There's nothing like it.

You see I did really great in my classes this past semester and I brought my gpa up a good amount. I got nothing below a B in my classes and I'm looking forward to doing it all again. I also got rid of the man that was weighing me down and realized how important it is to do for myself and not for others. It''s like something just hit me in my head and told me that I was so much better. And I finally believed it!

 

Okay....well really fast...

I'm stressed. I'm frustrated. And I'm soooo sad! 

Okay everyone...well it's time to break everything down.

Let's first start with school. School has actually been going pretty well. I am progressing in all of my classes and this semesters gpa is going to be killer compared to lasts. I honestly don't think I worked harder this semester...or maybe I did. I do know that I was alot more interested in the things that my teacher talked about. Other than that....things at school are okay. I mean I don't really spend time at school unless I have to go to class, so other than that I am at home(in my dorm). And being in my dorm is crazy. Understand that I have cleaned this place from head to toe. Yet, I still have mice in my room. And when the exterminator comes all that sucker can do is put down some sticky paper. What a load of crap. I have seen the mice run right over that thing before. And then they have the nerve to want to kick us out the dorm. Now I have to find somewhere to live after the semester is over...in one month. Wish me luck...cuz that is going to be hell with no savings and no job.

Now on to the good stuff...or should I say the bad stuff. Me and my boyfriend of 3 months are really going through it. We have been through some stuff that alot of people couldn't handle. And yet I am still here. I care about him alot and I don't want to give up on the relationship. But Iam not sure where it's headed. On good days we laugh and talk  and hug and do all that good stuff. But on bad days it turns into bad weeks and we argue non-stop. I mean the main issue in the relationship is that he ahs no trust in me. And I am tired of  in efforts of trying to get it into his skull that he can trust me. He has blatently told me that his issues arrive from the way that his ex's have treated him. And I can understand a bit of a guard being up, because I have been through the same thing. But how can we expect to proceed from this point if he won't let go of the past. I mean I go to church and it's "Who'd you go to church with?" I'm sitting there like  are you serious? And I won't lie...in turn I do the same thing by asking him things. But I do it for two reasons. One because of that saying of how you know your man is cheating when he accuses you of doing the same thing. And two,  he has started acting suspicious. For instance, he works in the evenings and usually I talk to him a couple of times when he's at work. Well come to find out...he has some chic coming to see hime everynight while he's at work. The girl is supposed to be his friends girlfriend and she passes by on her way back from taking his friend to work. But after she drops him off she comes back and talks to him every night. And my boyfriend just completely forgot to tell me that this is how he spends his night. I thought that wasn't right. But okay...maybe I read too much into it. But then all of a sudden he starts keeping his phone off whenever he comes over to see me. So I  be having a  thinking about the stuff we're going through. And although I want to be with this man... I don't know what to do. I've thought about leaving but I can't make myself walk away...and I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I mean I think about the fact that I'm here in Philly all by myself, and I cringe at the thought of being alone again. But the headaches....are they worth it? Oh and did I mention he never wants to talk about our problems. It's always...don't worry about it or it's not important. It makes me  sometimes. And Lord knows I'm tired of crying....I'm just stuck. I have no idea what the nect move is for us. And although he tells me he wants this relationship, I don't see him making the moves to implement the change in our relationship. I refuse to be the only on doing the work......

Oh and my mother is going through one of her lonely depressing phases and wants me to come home. She doesn't understnad that it is a whole process to move to another school, transfer credits, etc. And I don't know how else to explain it to her.

As you can see stuff is crazy....

Well....it has definetely been a while. But I guess I can't really complain. You know it's like everyone says: You control your life!

Well recently I have come to terms with that and I have been basically trying to come to terms with everything in my life and continue from that point. Things with school are actually going pretty well, and I have just been trying to get things together aside from that. I can't believe I have gotten this for to finally decide that I want to chagne my mind about what I want out of life. I had always made it a decision within myself to pursue my career as a criminal lawyer. Well, that has officially flown from my head. What do I want to do now? Good question! LOL.

Aside from that, things on the home front are okay. I've been very tired lately, and I have been going to sleep really early. I just basically had alot of things happen for me in the last month. I mean things i hoped I wouldn't have to go through I did. But I have gotten through all of them and I am trying to continue on. I have made it a decision within myself not to allow myself to be hurt and stressed beyone my manage. I mean shit happens and I can understand that. But when it comes to things that I am not ready to get rid of, yeah I can deal with it anyway I want because they're not a necessity. So I have decided not to let them run me crazy.

For instance, my boyfriend lately has been driving me crazy. And his reasoning for acting the way he does is that he doesn't feel that he should have stress in this relationship, because he has stress everywhere else. No I know that's some bullshit. How can you expect that just because things are crazy in your everyday life, when you come home things are going to be perfect. That's just not realistic. And from that moment I realized that things weren't going to work if he continued to think this way. I mean because truth is it's just not going to happen. No matter how much he wants it to, it ain't gonna happen. Thing are sometimes gonna be in disarray and you will have to deal with them(although in his case he just rathers get up and leave). But hey, such is life. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I do know that I can't change any man. So whatever happens, is in the Lord's hands.

WHY DO THE MEN I MEET HAVE TO BE SUCH ASSHOLES?

Yes....as you can see I have a little bit of animosity towards the male species right now. And to be honest, I 'm not knocking all men. It just seems to be the men that I meet that act like assholes. The story goes like this...

Okay..so after all the drama that happened with me last semester, I figured a good break was what was needed. I calmed myself down and basically just took everything daya by day. Please tell me why I technically still ended rushing into things.

I met this guy here in Philly that I had been talking to since I pretty much came to Philly. And he was cool. We talked for about two months before we finally decided to make it official between the two of us. Maybe not such a good move. I need one good . I mean things were great at first...which they always are. But then things just seem to get worse. I mean when I came back to Philly there just seem to be all this  on my part. Everything made me unhappy with the way things were going. I feel like I may have stepped into a time bomb set to blow any second. His attitude is absolutley ridiculous. He is always unhappy about something going on in his life. And I end up being the one dealing with it. What the hell is that? And don't let us get into a fight about things that we both do. Because if he does it that doesn't matter, because I automatically do it worse.I constantly feel like  .

And although I try and be caring and concerned, he doesn't care. I tried my hardest to make this past week good for him seeing how it was v-day and his birthday, but he seemed so ungrateful. I mean I spent money I didn't even have. GRRRRR! I am definetely going through some kind of trial. Oh and did I mention the mouse in my room that refuses to leave even without food.....WHY ME?

Believe me I needed to call on my savior somethings serious. Woke up at 6am this morning and went to church. Now I'm about to go  and  on what's happening in my life....

On a good note though...school is going great!

Finally I get a little bit of good news...

I finished my taxes and I'm getting a little bit of change back. Yeah it is not that much, but all money is good money. Right!?!

Aside from that...I am preparing to go out with the bf for valentine's day. And of course the day before we have to get into this wonderful argument to make things better. I don't understand men at all. Yo...although I never read that book. I definetely believe that men are from mars, women are from venus! Whatever the hell that means....they from a whole different world from us. I wish I could just  and get rid of them for good! LOL. If I was only that lucky...I would  to the Lord my thanks continuously. But truth be told, I have to do it regardless...because I'm not on the street and I have more than many. I am truly blessed!

Well...that's it for now. I'm out....

Hey all. It's been a couple weeks since I've been on here. But to be honest there is nothing much to talk about. Things with me are the same and I'm waiting for situations to get better.

I was supposed to go to my first Philly Nappy Gathering, and of course something had to happen to stop that. First off, my care decided it didn't want to work with me anymore. And then to make things so much better, we had a snow storm!  Now given, I came to the northeast so knew that things wouldn't be the easiest. But there is mad snow outside! LMAO. It cold as hell! But to tell the truth, I'm loving it.  Being from FL, it's good to see some new things!

Aside from that, school is goign pretty well. I am passing all my classes and they actually interest me which is always good. Right? Yo...all you college graduates tell me how you did it. Cuz this sh*t ain't no joke! Anywho...aside from that things are crazy. My finances are a little scrambled right now. I don't have a job which makes it hard for me to pay my bills. But I'm havign faith. So I'll make it with a little prayer!  

Oh...and you remember that crazy abusive person that I dealt with when I first got here....I want to get a restraining order against them So if anyone knows how I can go about doing that, let me know! But I gotta go catch the bus now, so I'll be back later or tomorrow!

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I have been on here, but that does not mean that I do not have anything to say. Things have been pretty rough since I cam up to Philly. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be the easiest thing in the world. But I thought that I would be opening up another door to my life. I figured that would benfit me. But to be honest...it's been hard.

First off...everyone who reads my journal knows about the issues I was having before regarding the person in the building I was talking to. And now that things have progressed I am trying to get thins going the right way. Not only did that situation really disshelve me physically, but it disturbed me mentally. My grades weren't very good and honestly...I wish I could go back intime and change everythign that happened. But since I can't do that, I try and see things from a new light.  I have started talking to this guy. And honestly...no. I was not trying to jump back into some realtionship that was going to make me unhappy. But I just had to get things right and this just happened to come along. And honestly I am a bit happy. I smile alot more often now. I actually have a reason to smile. What more could I ask for?

I've made it aa decision within myself to try my hardest to be productive. I'm in my books like crazy...and I am trying to go to church more often. That's only hard because I still haven't found on that I loved yet. But I'll see what comes along. Anywho...I'm off to my waxing appointment. Peace